How to Build a Strong Family Culture
My friend leads a successful company, and he’s a big fan of Peter Drucker, the management guru who once said, “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.” In the corporate world, strategy means goals, outcomes, plans. Culture is how things actually get done: how people relate, what feels important, what gets rewarded (and what gets tolerated). My friend insists that even the best strategy will get steamrolled if the culture underneath it is weak.
As someone leading a faith community, I get this truth. Culture-building is the hardest part of leadership. But I’ve noticed it’s the same with parenting. Julie and I might set goals for our family—values we want to instil, dreams we’re working towards—but it’s our culture as a family that will determine if we ever get there.
Culture eats strategy for breakfast. Every time.
So how do you build culture? Whether you’re leading a business or a family, here’s a framework I use—an easy-to-remember acrostic: DACT.
Culture is shaped by what you Demonstrate, Articulate, Celebrate, and Tolerate.
1. Articulate
Yes, I know it’s the “A” in DACT, but this is where it starts: getting clear on what kind of culture you actually want. Leaders—whether of teams or families—need to write this stuff down. What do we value? What kind of people are we trying to become? What behaviours reflect those values?
In families, this might look like a short list stuck on the fridge: “In our family, we… speak kindly, tell the truth, own our mistakes, celebrate wins, de-escalate conflict.” Whatever your list is, the point is to say it. And say it again. And again. And again.
My friend says you’ve got to repeat it until you’re sick of hearing yourself say it—only then are people starting to catch on.
2. Demonstrate
People don’t learn culture by osmosis. They watch it. Especially kids.
We shouldn’t be so worried when our kids don’t always listen to us. We should be terrified that they always watch us.
The classic parenting fail: two kids are shouting at each other. The parent intervenes… by shouting. “Stop shouting at each other!” The irony writes itself.
If you want a family culture of patience, you have to model it. If you want gentleness, you have to show it—even (especially) when things are tense. Proverbs 15:1 is golden here: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
We won’t always get this right. But that’s part of the culture too: admit your stuff. Say sorry. Own it. A parent who regularly fails but is quick to say sorry will form a much stronger culture than one who pretends they never mess up.
3. Celebrate
Want more of something? Celebrate it.
If your kid shows kindness, don’t just note it—cheer it. If your spouse de-escalates a brewing argument, call it out and give them a kiss. When people live out the values, throw some water on that seed and watch it grow.
In most families (and companies), the ratio of correction to encouragement is way off. We should aim to encourage seven times more than we correct. Yes, we need to address the weeds—but let’s also water the good stuff.
4. Tolerate
This is the flip side. Culture isn’t just shaped by what we say and celebrate, but also by what we let slide.
Let the weeds grow long enough, and they’ll choke out everything else.
If disrespect or dishonesty or harshness goes unchallenged—no matter how good your fridge manifesto is—it’ll become the real culture. That doesn’t mean we jump on every small slip-up. But when a pattern starts forming, it’s time to gently but firmly bring correction.
Harshness has no place in a family. But firmness, done gently, does. We can pull weeds without ripping up the garden.
And here’s one more value worth articulating and demonstrating: the ability to receive feedback. We live in a culture that’s increasingly allergic to correction. Let’s not raise kids who are. Let’s build families where feedback—given in love—is welcomed.
So, what’s your family culture?
It’s not what’s on the fridge. It’s what’s happening in the lounge, in the kitchen, in the car on the way to school.
Culture eats strategy for breakfast. But with some DACT, we can shape it with intention. We can build families (and teams, and faith communities) where the way we live together actually matches who we want to become.
Let’s not just make plans. Let’s make culture.
