What Women Want
What Women Want
Valentine’s Day upon us, if you’re a guy, don’t tell your partner you read this – just blow them away by improving your game. I am guessing you already know that it’s a case of happy wife, happy life!
If you’re a woman, why not boldly send this link to your man? Seriously, hints and telepathy are lost on us. We generally welcome all the direct and clear guidance we can get in understanding and loving the woman in our lives.
The Feldhahns conducted extensive research that led them to discover what most women really want. Many of their insights are simple, but most don’t come naturally. Here are the ones Julie and I most resonate with.
1. Women want to be assured.
There’s an old joke about an elderly woman asking her man if he loved her still. He blurts out with an exasperated sigh, “My dear, I told you I loved you on our wedding day and if anything changes, I’ll let you know!”
It’s funny because it’s kind of true. A woman might know you love her, but she needs to be reassured regularly. Most men are surprised to find out how frequently women have thoughts of insecurity and how much pain they suffer as a result. What triggers her feelings of insecurity? Conflict. Withdrawal. A partner’s silence or absence, even if there’s nothing wrong. Or when her “emotional bank account” is overdrawn by exhaustion or a difficult day. If you’re a man, tell your partner that you love her. Again and again. Reassure her through your words and actions that she’s still your Number One.
2. Women want to be pursued.
Remember when the chase was on and you were in hot pursuit? If you’re in a committed relationship now, it’s still really important to pursue your partner. To recognize that the deal is never well and truly ‘closed.’ What did you do when you first saw her and wanted to make her yours? Do that again! Every day!
3. Women want to be understood.
Female brains are similar to busy computer screens, with multiple windows open at the same time and frustrating pop-ups that are difficult to ignore. At any given moment, they’re thinking about what the kids are up to, what to fix for dinner, how to write that report for work, and what to do about the argument they had with you this morning – all at the same time. For many men, this is difficult to comprehend and fully appreciate.
As one woman put it: “There’s never a time that there’s nothing going on in my head. If I answer ‘nothing,’ it’s because I’m mad at him!’”
As another woman explained, “Try to understand, we’re carrying around a lot that we need to get out of our heads before we can really even think about (or feel like) sex.”
So, men remember that she’s not trying to annoy you with 14 things to talk about when you both get home. She’s got 14 windows open and needs your help to get them closed. Encourage her to process them by talking through them and listening.
4. Women want to be heard.
Speaking of listening, there’s a difference between zoning out and letting her speak while you think about something else, and really listening well. Here’s how to listen in a way that makes her feel really heard:
Give her your full physical and mental attention. Put away your phone, switch off the TV or turn away from your computer screen. Then listen for the right thing – how she feels about the problem. Finally, acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem. There’s no need to rush in and try to fix or solve her problems – just knowing you’ve really heard her is enough.
Here’s some final advice on this topic: there’s not a wrong or right way to feel. If she’s feeling something, it’s counterproductive to try to tell her she shouldn’t be feeling that way. Don’t tell her she’s overreacting, analyze the facts, ask her if it’s that time of the month, or try to give spiritual correction. None of that helps, as you probably already know!
See, it’s irrelevant whether she should ‘know logically’ that she’s loved. If she doesn’t feel loved, it’s the same for her as if she isn’t loved.
Happy Valentines Day everybody – may you both know and feel loved.
PS – This adapts Julie’s post on www.mumspiration.com – where Julie writes two posts a week.